Excerpts from Fatima's Journal (Post New Meccan Exodus)
Oh, my brother, I must find a way to put a little distance between myself and Kevin's sensibilities...
It is so easy for me. I find myself falling into... alignment with him, I suppose, so very easily.
Though I suspect he would never speak it aloud, and perhaps he does not even think it to himself, I truly think that Kevin desperately wants to be 'the power behind the throne of Argent.' There are times when I have to gently remind him of the boundaries between his duties and yours. Else, I am sure, Kevin would have his fingers in *every* facet of Argent.
While I do not mind or fear this -- a sign indeed that I have grown too intertwined with my brother -- I do not think it is healthy for either Argent or Kevin.
Kevin is capable of amazing wonderful things. But the strain does tell on him at times. And I would not burden him any further. Especially as it was *I* that Father entrusted with the regency. It... at times it seems almost an abrogation of duty to let Kevin carry so much of the weight of understanding, protecting and planning for the strongest Kingdom in existence. I *must* do my own duty in this respect. Even if at times, I am still a little slow on the pick-up. And *definitely* not as pro-active as my facile brother. Still, as long as Kevin has enough patience with my plodding to not have me assassinated, I will continue to keep the reins of Argent in my hands as much as I am capable of.
For, while Kevin is a miracle, he is not whom I would have rule Argent. His vision is sometimes obscured with the beauty of the universe... he suffers from 'gosh, wow' syndrome, my brother. I feel that there are times he would rather 'understand' than 'apply.' I can not fault him this too much. Kevin's understandings have led to much that is good for Argent and greater abilities in myself. However, there needs to be someone who rolls up their sleeves and gets things done. And that is where I am stronger than Kevin.
Ironically, I am certain, my brother, that you can read the... complimentariness of our natures even in the words I have written here. Kevin and I work well together. Very well indeed. He the vision, myself the application. And that is where my concern lies.
Firstly, my other siblings are likewise blessed with talents, vision and abilities. There is a danger that my fondness for Kevin -- and my own laziness -- will lead me to rely on him exclusively for more and more. Thus creating a distance between myself and Rune, or Kei, or Sterling. A distance that I have worked hard to ameliorate and a distance I have no desire to see re-created. I do NOT wish for myself and Kevin to become an exclusive pair reigning Argent. How much we would lose, how very very much.
Secondly... Kevin will never be what I wish him to be. And becoming too close to him will only... the danger that is there... I can't do that to my city.
Ah, my brother. Why is this so much on my mind, you may well ask?
I have followed *Kevin's* conscience into an act that I had no desire to commit. Moreso an act I truly, truly wished NOT to commit. And this has caused me to doubt my own strength of spirit when in the company of Kevin.
Kevin's ideas of right and wrong... Dammit.
Oh my brother, my family, my *other* family. The family I left in New Mecca, the family I have severed all connections to in my heart. For me, Merlin, other than my mother, they were my jailers, my cruel etiquette instructors, my tormentors, my unwilling housemates. We were... not close for all that we shared a roof and meals.
I do not think that Kevin understands this. I'm not sure *what* he understands... Dammit.
I knew that while they remained in New Mecca, they would under observation by the enemies of Argent. Brand, perhaps and, indeed as it turns out, by those forces of Chaos that originally moved against me. But I also felt, whether wrongly or rightly, that as long as I was obviously distanced and disinterested in them, they would not be truly in danger. They would not be held hostage against myself or against the Regent of Argent.
My cousin, Suad, whom I must at least acknowledge and thank for making the dangerous trip to Argent to inform me of my mother's death... Anyway, *she* took upon herself to bring herself once more to my attention. And when Kevin wormed out of me that she was seeking sanctuary for herself and my family in Argent... Well, then nothing would do for Kevin's satisfaction but that it would be made so.
DAMMIT!
I do NOT want those people here. I do not wish their looks and their dismissals of me. I do not want to be responsible for their safety and their livelihood in a place *far* more dangerous and alien to them than New Mecca could ever be. I do not wish to explain to them how the medicine they and their children will be subject to is no better than witchdoctory. I do not wish to explain to them how their UDLs will no longer function. I do not wish to explain to them how they will have to cook, dress, etc in a land of prim-tech.
And mostly, I do NOT want to explain to them that I have swept them beyond Allah's sight to a place where they will be prey for things beyond their worst nightmares.
*I* am suited to Argent and she to me. They are not.
And so, I sit here and brood. A trait of my father's that I have always fought against. I have kidnapped my family away to Horror at Kevin's insistence. And now I have left them in Watermere, alone, strangers in a strange land...
Dammit.
I wonder if I need to talk to Rune to arrange a meeting with The Raven.
I... need to talk to her. And I need to understand her....
Why do I find myself believing Sergey's story? Is it because the 'omens' are correct? Or merely because I feel that a 'plant' would have a better story?
While Kevin is concerned about Kei's reaction, and he is probably right to some extent, I feel that it is possible for Kei to be reasonable about this. Of course, I must admit that it is also entirely possible for Kei to be completely unreasonable about this.
I... find it distasteful that I am considering 'approaches' to my dear sister. Thinking on ways to present the presence of Sergey's disciples in such a way as to disincline her to massacre them.
Perhaps her loss of reason at the stables has disturbed me more than I realized. And given the duties of Argent that she has recently asked me for, a disturbance on my part regarding her mental stability is not a good thing.
I need to talk to Kei more. To reassure myself that my fears are groundless.
A thought occurs, would Kei be able to gain more information regarding the Spider? Do I want to know?
I... I think I do.
