"Bless me,
Pater, for I have sinned. It has been two days since my last
Confession.
"In that time, I have thought impure thoughts, behaved cruelly five
times, avoided three unpleasant duties and missed one scheduled
appointment. But primarily, Pater? This cruise. It
concerns me. I... find myself concerned to see all of my fellow
former students of Gonheedra are upon this most illustrious
guestlist. And I can't help wondering... why are we being
gathered?
"Are the final days finally here? Or has someone else discovered
our existence and we are being gathered for a purpose other than that
for which we were created?
"To... see the others. Ninzi. Anubis. Serena.
Enemies and friends from a time I... do not wish to remember. I
am... uneasy."
What did you feel about Gonheedra while attending?
"I was excited at first, Pater, as you no doubt remember -- excited and
scared. It was to be my first time away from my family. My
first voyage to a
world outside the Bonneforet system and the provenance of my
father. I was so sure that I would prove myself there. Show
the strength and the destiny of the du Mauve family.
"Then we arrived. And the first thing that was asked of me was to
leave my sword behind me aboard the shuttle. It was just a
child's sword, Pater. A small sword, Vitesse, that
had been given to me by my mother's hand. And had remained at my
side for 5 years at that point. I had trained with it, learned to
honor it, saw it as the symbol of my Hazat heritage. To leave
it... to come to the soil of Gonheedra unarmed, practically naked...
"If they were seeking to break down my defenses, to shake my sense of
identity – they succeeded perfectly. I came to the doors of
Gonheedra, a frightened child determined not to show it.
"And my fellow students? Pater, I had never before been in the
company of non-humans for extended periods of time. Certainly not
as... equals. Even the humans -- I was probably among the oldest
among them, yet some had already seen so much of life – their eyes –
that they were clearly my elders. And in some cases, my superiors.
"I... was not prepared for that. Surely this was a lesson sent by
the Pancreator concerning the evils of arrogance. Over the years,
as I watched them succeed and fail. How they did it. What
they... were capable of.
Pater! I can never again hold the confidence that is expected of
me
in my station. For I have seen beings, people, whom I can never
hope
to equal.
"Another lesson in
humility came from my... instructors. (sad chuckle) Before
Gonheedra, I...
knew that I was among the privileged. But I thought that
adequately balanced by the duties, responsibilities and life that was
to be my fate. But, but... to be physically struck. To be
publicly chastised and humiliated. I learned that no one is above
the will of the Pancreator in all his glorious mysteriousness. I
still... shudder when I think of some of the... disciplines needed to
teach me that lesson.
"I learned other lessons there, Pater. Things dark and forbidden,
things treasonous and apocryphal, things... some of these lessons were
greeted willingly. But others... I know things, Pater, that crawl
inside my soul and that I would
give anything to expunge from myself. But I cannot. For I
have
been told that the fate of the universe may be decided by what is
inside
myself. Arrogance, indeed. Forgive me, Pater.
"Gonheedra... I tried so hard to make sure that laughter never left us
in that place of darkness. To make sure that there were smiles of
genuine happiness still
left in children being trained as killers -- and worse. I tried
to
make sure that we... stayed a we, instead of becoming turned against
one another.
But, despite my best efforts, there were some people there... that I
could
not endure. 'Tolerance, peace, patience,' I whispered these to
myself.
'Remember Charlaine, the love and glory of the Pancreator.' And
yet,
and yet – every time I spoke I heard the claws of jealousy and disdain
in
my voice. So hard. Forgive me, Pater.
"I... hated it there. At Gonheedra. Everything was hard and
hurtful. The instructors, the world, the... lessons... It was a
test to destruction, Pater. And for what purpose was never
revealed to us. They never told us *why* they were torturing us
so -- only that it was "very important", that the "fate of the universe
would rely on us... I did not feel that this is sufficient. To
put us through what they did, to *do* to us what they
did, and to never explain. I hated it there. Forgive me,
Pater."
"But I have survived. And through my unnoticed intercession,
*all* of my fellow students have survived as well. If it is true
that that which does not kill us, makes us stronger – then the students
of Gonheedra are *strong*
indeed. I pray to the Pancreator that that strength will never be
needed.
But I fear that this prayer will be unanswered. Forgive me,
Pater."
How did you feel about it afterward?
"I was changed there, Pater. Taught new ways to think. And
to be. These new ways are not what is in the universe now.
And everyday, with every breath, I have to hide what I have been
changed into. I... do not like this, Pater. I feel that I
am a walking lie.
"Also... I cannot quell the doubts I have about the source of my
lessons, my abilities. It seems to me as though I have been
filled with... an unlight. Not so much darkness – the absence of
light -- but a vibrant macabre force that is the opposite of all I know.
"Is this a facet of the all-powerful unknowable Pancreator? I
pray, I *pray* that it is so! But in my heart of hearts, I
fear... that I have been given to the enemy.
"I worry that my loyalties... no, I know that my loyalties
will be called into conflict. Pater, I am a loyal servant of the
Emperor, a devout daughter of the Church and the most glad follower of
His Grace, du
Bonneforet. But, but...
"At Gonheedra, we *thought* that it was at the Emperor's order that we
were gathered and... molded. But in my latter years, I have come
to think that this may not be so.
"And if it is not? What then? Whose pawn have I
become? Will I risk the dark fate for the universe that we were
warned against for a blind – and safe – follower's path? Or do I
really risk the betrayal of *everything* I believe is good and right,
every oath I have taken... the betrayal of what I am for what I have
been taught to become?
"Ahhhh, Pater. I am torn apart and the end has not
even begun!"
How did you feel when you first saw the articles
concerning The Children of the Secret Order?
"Forgive me, Pater. But my first thought was that you may have
betrayed the most
sacred privacy of the confessional. My suspicion was unfounded
and
uncharitable of me. Please forgive me, Pater Azule, for the
weakness of doubt.
"You are the only person that I have mentioned Gonheedra to. Not
even my parents or siblings know of it. Neither does Frere
Valerius or Alene or any of the others. I have mentioned it not
at all to any childhood friends or girlish confidants. I would
not even burden you with it, Pater, were it not for the sanctity of the
confessional.
"For as we, the 18, left Gonheedra, we were warned most severely
against revealing *anything* of what had happened to us to
*anyone.* And so, <sad laugh>,
I have already failed this first test of conflicting loyalties by
speaking
to you of these things.
"Yet, despite the prohibitions against speaking of Gonheedra or against
seeking one another out, a small number of my fellow former students
have attempted to contact me in the years since our 'graduation.'
I will not reveal who they are to you, Pater, as that is a matter
between them and their own confessors.
"However, it concerns me that these few sought a way around Gonheedra's
prohibitions of silence. I can only assume that they have less at
stake, less to lose than I do. But that they did not respect
the... seriousness of my position gives me some cause for concern.
"Perhaps it was one of these, or one like them – who is not under the
eye of House Hazat or the Emperor or, forgive me, the Patriarch – who
underestimated the need for discretion and let something slip to an
untrustworthy ear. That is what I pray for, Pater, that it was an
accident or a mistake.
"But, given the stakes that are coming into play, Pater, I believe that
it would be naive of me to assume that. Hopeful, yes. But
naive.
"Other thoughts occurred to me. The most heart-stopping was, of
course, that the secrecy surrounding my former school had somehow been
compromised. Oooh, Pater. If something had the power to
crack that... level of security, the infiltrators would have to be
*very* formidable indeed! To such an extant as I did not think
possible by mortal man!
"Or perhaps, the school itself let leak the merest whisper. If
so, why? To prepare us for... being activated? Ah, that
combined with the invitations that have followed have filled my heart
with fear. To bring the children out from their cover... only a
threat of an enormous scale, or the end of days, could do such a
thing. I pray that this is just some universal conspiracy of
labyrinthine politics, not...
"But perhaps, please the Pancreator!, it is just that some of my fellow
students have been unwise in their choice of associates. This is
what I fervently pray."
