"Surely you
recognized the tactics, my love? If one shows fear to a predator,
one cannot be surprised when the predator responds by showing
interest." That’s what my love said to me.
And my niece said, "As long as you let him control your responses to him, you let him win."
But my King said, “Also, I generally frown on Familicide, so even if you can, don't kill him.”
And that’s been the problem.
Whenever I’m around Bleys, all I want is to kill him. I want to hear the sound of his facebones splintering under the soles of my boots. I want to see his ribcage stripped and spread open to the sky. I want to feel the warm splash of his arterial blood across my face. I want to smell the odor of his entrails filling the air.
But I can’t... mustn’t... can’t... KILL HIM!
Thus, whenever he’s around, so much of me is spent restraining the Familicide that I’m left... prey to his every fancy.
Dear sweet Unicorn, why couldn’t he have gone off and started his own Kingdom, like that bastard Corwin? Why do I have to face him each and every time I return to Amber? Face him and not kill him. Gaaaahhhh!
And yet something is changing. If it ends up with me dead, Brij will be the one to blame.
Growing up, my father always warned me— stay away from his brothers and sisters. Don’t even let them know I existed. They were dangerous, dark... evil. Murderous master manipulators with a taste for using their kin as pawns. And that’s the way I’ve always thought of them— menacing macro-predators who would do me great harm the moment they caught my scent.
Bleys certainly lived up to that reputation during the Brothers’ War. As did Corwin. And... Random, my King.
Now that the War is over, I’m supposed to put all that away. Expose myself, be part of the Family. Find a way to be civil around my erstwhile enemies. I... don’t think I’ve been doing well at that.
My cousins— Jerod & Cambina, Paige, Lucas, Conner, Marius, all those who were here when the War was fought— they seem to... just take it in stride. They smile, laugh, talk with my Uncles and Aunts as though they were people. And I haven’t been able to.
Until recently.
Two things— people— have started cooling of my hate and lessening of my fear.
One, the King.
My father worked hard and sacrificed much to give me the opportunity to enter Random’s service. It’s a gift that I have no intention of wasting and I thank him for it. Without his patience and guidance, I would now be as rogue as Huon. Though hopefully less hostile to Amber as a whole.
But while it was my father’s effort that brought me to Random, it was the King himself who won my heart.
I have watched quietly from the windows and shadows as Random has spoken to my Uncles, Aunts and cousins. And I have heard him speak to each of them with... respect and understanding. Perhaps the words themselves were casual and full of humor, but the speaking of them was focused, patient, matched to their listener and... kind?
Bleah. I don’t have the words myself to describe it, but I know what I heard. And it was good.
Then came a time when I was at my worst, my brother was injured and we were sorely in need of aid. And, and, and the King responded. He came personally, with all the skill he could muster, to myself and Jovian’s rescue. I... am not easy to understand; not easy to deal with when I am that upset. The King was patient, understanding, he did not judge nor seek to exploit the situation. He merely... helped.
I would never have expected that from any of my Uncles and it won my heart that day. He has changed from the man who argued with Corwin for my father’s death. And he is My King.
The second is Brij.
That my newly found and much maligned niece has had such an effect on me is... surprising to say the least. But she... it is through her eyes that I have seen Prince Bleys as a man for the first time.
Obviously, Brij has no such problem and I wouldn’t expect her to, not having been raised in the shadow of our family. But even as she is coming to understand, she is still not afraid, still not in awe, still considers Prince Bleys to be a... man.
And when he is around her, he is... just a man.
In her presence, for the first time, I too could speak to Prince Bleys as though he were a man, an uncle. Not a powerful, unfathomable demon prying at my mind with the intent to do me harm.
I’mmmmmm not sure if this is a good thing. Or if it will let the powerful, unfathomable demon get me. But it was... nice, for a moment, to be free of both the fear and the homicidal rage. And maybe when I am free of both of those, I can not let him control me. Just maybe.
And my niece said, "As long as you let him control your responses to him, you let him win."
But my King said, “Also, I generally frown on Familicide, so even if you can, don't kill him.”
And that’s been the problem.
Whenever I’m around Bleys, all I want is to kill him. I want to hear the sound of his facebones splintering under the soles of my boots. I want to see his ribcage stripped and spread open to the sky. I want to feel the warm splash of his arterial blood across my face. I want to smell the odor of his entrails filling the air.
But I can’t... mustn’t... can’t... KILL HIM!
Thus, whenever he’s around, so much of me is spent restraining the Familicide that I’m left... prey to his every fancy.
Dear sweet Unicorn, why couldn’t he have gone off and started his own Kingdom, like that bastard Corwin? Why do I have to face him each and every time I return to Amber? Face him and not kill him. Gaaaahhhh!
And yet something is changing. If it ends up with me dead, Brij will be the one to blame.
Growing up, my father always warned me— stay away from his brothers and sisters. Don’t even let them know I existed. They were dangerous, dark... evil. Murderous master manipulators with a taste for using their kin as pawns. And that’s the way I’ve always thought of them— menacing macro-predators who would do me great harm the moment they caught my scent.
Bleys certainly lived up to that reputation during the Brothers’ War. As did Corwin. And... Random, my King.
Now that the War is over, I’m supposed to put all that away. Expose myself, be part of the Family. Find a way to be civil around my erstwhile enemies. I... don’t think I’ve been doing well at that.
My cousins— Jerod & Cambina, Paige, Lucas, Conner, Marius, all those who were here when the War was fought— they seem to... just take it in stride. They smile, laugh, talk with my Uncles and Aunts as though they were people. And I haven’t been able to.
Until recently.
Two things— people— have started cooling of my hate and lessening of my fear.
One, the King.
My father worked hard and sacrificed much to give me the opportunity to enter Random’s service. It’s a gift that I have no intention of wasting and I thank him for it. Without his patience and guidance, I would now be as rogue as Huon. Though hopefully less hostile to Amber as a whole.
But while it was my father’s effort that brought me to Random, it was the King himself who won my heart.
I have watched quietly from the windows and shadows as Random has spoken to my Uncles, Aunts and cousins. And I have heard him speak to each of them with... respect and understanding. Perhaps the words themselves were casual and full of humor, but the speaking of them was focused, patient, matched to their listener and... kind?
Bleah. I don’t have the words myself to describe it, but I know what I heard. And it was good.
Then came a time when I was at my worst, my brother was injured and we were sorely in need of aid. And, and, and the King responded. He came personally, with all the skill he could muster, to myself and Jovian’s rescue. I... am not easy to understand; not easy to deal with when I am that upset. The King was patient, understanding, he did not judge nor seek to exploit the situation. He merely... helped.
I would never have expected that from any of my Uncles and it won my heart that day. He has changed from the man who argued with Corwin for my father’s death. And he is My King.
The second is Brij.
That my newly found and much maligned niece has had such an effect on me is... surprising to say the least. But she... it is through her eyes that I have seen Prince Bleys as a man for the first time.
Obviously, Brij has no such problem and I wouldn’t expect her to, not having been raised in the shadow of our family. But even as she is coming to understand, she is still not afraid, still not in awe, still considers Prince Bleys to be a... man.
And when he is around her, he is... just a man.
In her presence, for the first time, I too could speak to Prince Bleys as though he were a man, an uncle. Not a powerful, unfathomable demon prying at my mind with the intent to do me harm.
I’mmmmmm not sure if this is a good thing. Or if it will let the powerful, unfathomable demon get me. But it was... nice, for a moment, to be free of both the fear and the homicidal rage. And maybe when I am free of both of those, I can not let him control me. Just maybe.
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