My Family certainly
does being ‘dead’ in an interesting variety of ways.
That didn’t come out right. Let me try again.
It seems like (or at least we are taught that) there are only two states of being: alive and dead. And that being dead is permanent and gone. The Shadowbeings I have known definitely reflect that. As do the Rangers I have lost in the past.
But, but Family? Not so much, I think.
Cambina is dead. Or so I have heard. That coda is important.
I’ll mourn her when I have time. And miss her a little. (I didn’t know her very well, but what I did know was... beautiful.) But I’m going to remain unconvinced, probably for a long time, due to other things....
See, what really brought home the.... oddness of being ‘dead’ in my Family was a certain confluence of Uncles.
Within one room was Bleys (who had been missing, presumed dead, no body), Corwin (who had been missing, presumed dead for centuries, no body), myself (missing, dead, no body) and we were shortly joined by Caine (dead with body). I couldn’t help but be struck by that.
Then there’s Daeon (dead, no body) but a Year-King. And though I have mourned him, I can’t make myself believe that he is entirely gone. Just... not here right now. Were Daeon to appear in front of me – alive and whole – I would laugh, cry, hug him, kiss him and kick his ass. Probably in that order. But I wouldn’t be surprised.
Aisling... my purple friend. I’ve been told that some of Aisling’s memories and personality, some of her self, are now part of a being named Saeth. Okay, death on that side of the Family is weird enough to not come into the equation. But still, how much of my friend is yet alive?
I’ve spoken to the ghost of my mother and know in the depths of my heart that it was only an echo, not a real person. Still, it was a pretty effective echo. Enough so to be counted as a person in a less robust Family than mine. And still directly influencing her world. So, is that ‘dead’? Or just really, really diminished?
Brand and Deirdre fell into the Abyss. Their brothers and sisters are acting as though that was ‘dead.’ And for everyone’s sake, I hope it is. Buuuuutttt, my own experiences say that being ‘dead’ in the grips of Chaos is.... not as permanent as one might think.
With Eric, my Aunts and Uncles are again all behaving as though he was dead. Fine, I’ll leave that to them. Though I can’t overlook that they said the same about Bleys, Corwin and Caine as well. And look how that turned out.
The King though... that’s really hard for me. I don’t mean Eric or Corwin or Random – all the centuries-old boys who are strutting onto the universe’s stage. I mean THE KING. Oberon. Father to us all. Creator, God, First Being, Center of the Universe... What happened?!?
Though the evidence is everywhere to my disbelieving eyes, I just can’t fathom that such a being, such a force is ‘dead’. It doesn’t make sense to me. Changed, maybe. Resting? On vacation? Evolved? Metamorphosed? Something! Oberon can’t be dead; he was beyond life and death itself. I...
When the others about it, I just let it slide, but no, I don’t believe that Oberon is dead. The whole concept is non-sensical to me. I don’t know what’s going on -- after all, this is The King we’re talking about -- but permanently gone? Nope. Not a chance.
And then there’s me. Vere and Dad are working hard, slowly chipping away at my conviction that I died on the Black Road. It’s hard... when physical evidence so directly contradicts a memory so clear, so branded deep into my soul. The other possibility, that something could imprint a false memory within me so strongly, is almost as terrifying... no, MORE terrifying than the thought that I died and somehow was made better on the Black Road.
I just don’t know. I keep sneaking up on it. From different angles. Trying to... get better. Get not so crazy. But... but... but....
Nope. Not there yet. Okay, then I’ll just spend my thoughts being amazed at the variety of being ‘dead’ in my Family.
That didn’t come out right. Let me try again.
It seems like (or at least we are taught that) there are only two states of being: alive and dead. And that being dead is permanent and gone. The Shadowbeings I have known definitely reflect that. As do the Rangers I have lost in the past.
But, but Family? Not so much, I think.
Cambina is dead. Or so I have heard. That coda is important.
I’ll mourn her when I have time. And miss her a little. (I didn’t know her very well, but what I did know was... beautiful.) But I’m going to remain unconvinced, probably for a long time, due to other things....
See, what really brought home the.... oddness of being ‘dead’ in my Family was a certain confluence of Uncles.
Within one room was Bleys (who had been missing, presumed dead, no body), Corwin (who had been missing, presumed dead for centuries, no body), myself (missing, dead, no body) and we were shortly joined by Caine (dead with body). I couldn’t help but be struck by that.
Then there’s Daeon (dead, no body) but a Year-King. And though I have mourned him, I can’t make myself believe that he is entirely gone. Just... not here right now. Were Daeon to appear in front of me – alive and whole – I would laugh, cry, hug him, kiss him and kick his ass. Probably in that order. But I wouldn’t be surprised.
Aisling... my purple friend. I’ve been told that some of Aisling’s memories and personality, some of her self, are now part of a being named Saeth. Okay, death on that side of the Family is weird enough to not come into the equation. But still, how much of my friend is yet alive?
I’ve spoken to the ghost of my mother and know in the depths of my heart that it was only an echo, not a real person. Still, it was a pretty effective echo. Enough so to be counted as a person in a less robust Family than mine. And still directly influencing her world. So, is that ‘dead’? Or just really, really diminished?
Brand and Deirdre fell into the Abyss. Their brothers and sisters are acting as though that was ‘dead.’ And for everyone’s sake, I hope it is. Buuuuutttt, my own experiences say that being ‘dead’ in the grips of Chaos is.... not as permanent as one might think.
With Eric, my Aunts and Uncles are again all behaving as though he was dead. Fine, I’ll leave that to them. Though I can’t overlook that they said the same about Bleys, Corwin and Caine as well. And look how that turned out.
The King though... that’s really hard for me. I don’t mean Eric or Corwin or Random – all the centuries-old boys who are strutting onto the universe’s stage. I mean THE KING. Oberon. Father to us all. Creator, God, First Being, Center of the Universe... What happened?!?
Though the evidence is everywhere to my disbelieving eyes, I just can’t fathom that such a being, such a force is ‘dead’. It doesn’t make sense to me. Changed, maybe. Resting? On vacation? Evolved? Metamorphosed? Something! Oberon can’t be dead; he was beyond life and death itself. I...
When the others about it, I just let it slide, but no, I don’t believe that Oberon is dead. The whole concept is non-sensical to me. I don’t know what’s going on -- after all, this is The King we’re talking about -- but permanently gone? Nope. Not a chance.
And then there’s me. Vere and Dad are working hard, slowly chipping away at my conviction that I died on the Black Road. It’s hard... when physical evidence so directly contradicts a memory so clear, so branded deep into my soul. The other possibility, that something could imprint a false memory within me so strongly, is almost as terrifying... no, MORE terrifying than the thought that I died and somehow was made better on the Black Road.
I just don’t know. I keep sneaking up on it. From different angles. Trying to... get better. Get not so crazy. But... but... but....
Nope. Not there yet. Okay, then I’ll just spend my thoughts being amazed at the variety of being ‘dead’ in my Family.
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